Lawric is Cuckoo

[jaimelewis]

Jaime stopped bouncing, smiling down at him. But the smile was a queer one with hidden sadness behind it. He had said it without much thought but to her it meant a lot. Her company was important to him and she could feel the little bits of her feelings buried deep within her fluttering to life with the help of a warm gentle breeze.

She laid down beside him, glancing at his yawning face.


"How can I keep you company if I knock myself out?" She couldn't help the wide grin spreading across her face. She almost wanted to reach out and touch his face but she was afraid such an action would only add on to his troubles. He didn't come here for this. Instead she punched his arm playfully. "Nooo you can't sleep yet you have to tell a bedtime story."

Her face turned serious.

"You can try saying out what happened from the time you...got shot..." She winced a little here before continuing. "...to the time you woke up. It's not that I'm curious, no, but if you voice the whole thing out, it might bring to light what's bothering you so much."

[Lawric]

Lawric smiled, watching her come down beside him again. The smile grew a bit at her playful punch, but then her face became softer and more serious, and she suggested he talk about what he remembered. She seemed hesitant when she mentioned him being shot, and he couldn't help but wince a little at actually hearing the words. It brought a flood of emotions back to him that had been hard to fight away.

And then his smile became sad.

He exhaled slowly, staring back at her. "To be honest with you Jaime, I don't remember much of anything." he started, his voice soft and hesitant. "My most vivid memories are of those leading up to the... -- what happened." He smirked apologetically, as if to say 'I'm sorry I can't say the words.' "After that, I don't remember anything until I woke up."

He averted his gaze, looking downward at the sheets between them. "It was such a good feeling, when I saw you and Van kneeling close to me. But I almost felt... I felt heavy. Burdened." He looked at her again, frowning slightly. "I think I felt sad, too..." He hesitated for a moment before managing to voice his next words, his tone barely above a whisper. "Sad that I came back?" He looked away quickly. "Horrible."

[jaimelewis]

"Sad?" She frowned a little, trying to understand why he felt sad. But even if she drilled a hole in her brains she would never. But she would ease out the reason why he felt sad. She felt a little cruel, brutal even, trying to dig into his wounds but if they knew the reason, then maybe it would be a short pain rather than a draggy one that would never heal.

She reached out a hand touching him gently on the arm. "Didn't you want to come back Lawric? Is that why you were sad?"

[Lawric]

Lawric frowned. He couldn't look back at her, it was making him feel worse than he already felt about these feelings. She had reiterated for him time and again how he could talk to her, and he really wanted to, but the topic of this discussion felt somehow cruel. She had been thrilled to tears for him to come back, how could he look her in the eyes and tell her he wasn't happy, too?

He sighed quietly.

"I don't know what I was sad about, Jaime." he mumbled. "I don't know what I wanted, and I don't know what's wrong with me now. I really do feel as if I'm losing my mind or something." He glanced at her. "I feel like an onlooker, or a phantom, or something. Out of touch... And I feel like I don't appreciate you guys enough, you and Vanesse and Deo. You guys brought me back, and I can't even hardly... have I even thanked you?"

He closed his eyes. "I feel socially crippled. People are intimidating, and I don't feel like one of them. I feel like I shouldn't even be around. I should be... somewhere. I don't belong."

He swallowed.

"I haven't gotten a single night of rest -- I keep having recurring dreams about us -- Signe, Able and I. 'What are you doing?' they ask. 'Where are you, Lawric?' I still hear Van's cry, the last thing I heard before they shot me. It wakes me up at night." He was speaking quickly now, the words tumbling out in an unrelenting rush. He pushed himself abruptly into a sitting position, her hand brushing away from his arm at the movement. "The despair follows me. The guilt I felt when I looked at you all and saw that you were there to help us," he looked back down at her, and his expression was pained, as if it hurt him to say the words. "You were there to help me, and you were in so much danger. Why did you come? Why didn't you run, Jaime?"

He sighed deeply and continued on before she could answer. "Bright lights hurt my eyes. I get headaches if there is a lot of noise around me. My skin feels strangely sensitive sometimes." Where his tone had barely been a whisper before, it was now hard and full of withheld frustration. "If I move too quickly, I get lightheaded. I wake up at odd hours and pace. I can't hold down most of what I eat -- it's a matter of an hour or so before I throw up that cake, I'll bet."

He hunched over, putting his face in his hands. His voice had become slightly hoarse. The Lawric of this moment was unlike any other she had seen before. All of his stoic demeanor had been stripped away, and the 'weight' he had described as burdening to him was evident.

"I am not right." he mumbled into his hands. "I am overwhelmed... and afraid."

[jaimelewis]

Jaime stared mutely at him. She didn't know what to do. She could feel the panic reeling inside of her, how could she help him? She had no idea how it felt to be going through what he was and she had no advice to give him. Did they do the wrong thing asking the Sorceress to bring him back? If she knew he would be in so much pain...yes pain...it was the only way she could describe it--then perhaps she wouldn't risk bringing him back.

A sudden rush of tears broke through, and she didn't attempt to stop it. She felt so helpless, that the only thing she could do was look while he hunched over with face buried in his hands.

So she did the instinctive thing that came to her. She wrapped her arms around him gently.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She said, her voice coming out choked. "I don't expect you to thank me at all. None of us do. It's unspoken, it's not as if we're strangers and you have to work as a slave to pay us for 'saving your life'. And if it makes you feel better it wasn't us, it was the Sorceress. And how can you expect me to run when you're in grave danger? If it was me being captured would you run?"

She brought up a hand to wipe at her eyes, then replacing it again.

"And I bet those recurring dreams were caused by guilt. I could remember not being able to sleep well cos I was so guilty that I survived and...they didn't." She sighed. Was she making it worse? Bringing up the fact that Able and Signe weren't here anymore..."But what I do believe is that they'd be glad that you were given another chance. They wouldn't hold it against you. The only person who will is yourself."

A brief spell of silence folllowed. Maybe he was thinking through her words. If only he would let them sink in and stop berating himself over fault that wasn't his.

"Sometimes I wish that you didn't always put yourself above other people. That you were a little more selfish and unscrupulous. You wouldn't bash yourself so much over things you can't help. If you really want to blame your coming back on something, it should be us."

[Lawric]

The feel of her arms and her soft body immediately assuaged the tension and anxiety that had built up within him. She gave him that familiar safety-blanket feeling all over again, wrapped tightly to keep his soul warm. But the relief was short-lived, because he heard her begin to cry, and that alone negated any sense of comfort he could have taken from her embrace. He took his head out of his hands and slowly sat up from his bent position, turning in her arms to meet her eyes and listen to her as she spoke.

She was speaking quickly, choking through her tears and desperately trying her best to make him feel better. The sight of her like this was enough to break his heart. He matched her embrace with one of his own, circling his arms around her tenderly and hoping the gesture would reach her, because he had no idea what to say to make up for the emotional toll all of this had taken on her.

'If you really want to blame your coming back on something, it should be us.'

"No," The word left his mouth almost immediately. He pulled away from her to meet her gaze, shaking his head. "No." He repeated it firmly, looking her straight in the eyes to make sure he would get through to her. "Don't think about it like that. If I can't figure out what's wrong with me and fix it, that's my own fault. You've done nothing but help me, Jaime." He stared at her for a few seconds, letting those words weigh on her mind before he spoke again.

"Lately, it feels like you're my only help... " He looked down at the space between them. "You've held onto me. You've kept me sane."

[jaimelewis]

"But I don't feel like I'm such a great help." Jaime let her hands fall to her sides, offering him a small, uneasy smile. "I can crack jokes and do little annoying things to keep your mind off it but I want to help you beyond that. But I don't know how to. I guess I'm just not qualified to do it like a shrink would. But..." A playful smirk spread across her lips. "I know this never fails. Free hugs for all!" She raised her arms right open and glomped hm into another hug.

[Lawric]

Lawric returned her small smile with one of his own, watching her fondly as she spoke. You're more qualified to help me than anyone else. he thought, but he didn't voice the words. She didn't need him to tell her that. He was going through a hard time, and where had he come? To her. Did he feel better? Yes. She had been all the help he needed. It was obvious.

His smile became a grin when she threw her arms around him. He let out a laugh and allowed her weight to tilt him into the pillows at the head of the bed.

"Jaime, you are one of a kind." He said, grinning down at the top of her head. "Come on," He turned his body so that they were both laying on their sides, her beside him. "Why don't we stop worrying about this stuff and just get some sleep... " He looked at her and yawned.

[jaimelewis]

"Yeah." Jaime grinned back at him. "Sleep is Mother Nature's all-healing Curaga." It was nice to lie side by side and look at him like that. But she couldn't help that little bit of sadness that they probably would not be sharing the same bed again. She cast the sadness away grabbing one of her stuffed animals and offered it to him. "Kiki will fend away the nightmares, you can have her for the night."

[Lawric]

Lawric smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"Kiki?" He took the plush toy from her and looked at it for a moment. He finally just let out a laugh and set it aside, before rising up and pulling the ceiling fan cord to flip off the light.

"Thanks, but I don't think I'll be needing Kiki tonight," he said to her in the dark, carefully lowering back down onto the bed. "I already have a pretty cute stuffed toy who fights away nightmares." He snickered to himself as he crawled beneath the covers and positioned himself close to her. "And she's life-sized. I call her Jaime."

He draped his arm over her and closed his eyes.