Colorblind

[Reese]

Okay, I feel like there is kind of a blank area in between Reese getting slapped at the Ball, and where he is (emotionally) now. This song fic is my attempt at filling that blank area.

I'll warn you now, it's kind of choppy. Like a montage. So hopefully it doesn't, like, totally confuse anyone. The posts don't really flow altogether as one piece of writing (which is why I separated them into posts.) It's all a bunch of different scenes, so you have to take each one as if it's a new setting. It all ties in together but... well, you'll see. Also, it's in present tense... That's mainly because, for some reason, I found it WAY easier to get in touch with him emotionally in present tense. Yeah, idk. It worked though. haha

It's kind of crappy, but I did it more for myself than anything. The blank area in his life was bugging me A LOT >_>

The song is "Colorblind" by Counting Crows. If you listen to it, the way I did this fic might make more sense. It's pretty slow, you could do a cool montage-y music video to this song haha.

[Reese]

I am colorblind…

He sits in the Balamb Garden quad, the singular occupant of a steel bench and table set. There is a thick textbook spread open in front of him, but he isn’t reading much. His attention is repeatedly distracted by the slender smolder-tipped cigarette between his fingers. He inhales another drag and glances around furtively, watching everything and actually paying attention to none of it. His eyes are blank. His environment might as well be in shades of gray. There is plenty of friendly conversation going on all around him, but he doesn’t care enough to even take notice of anything being said. The Cadet giggles fall on deaf ears.

[Reese]

coffee, black and egg, white

He’s not even sure why he bothered bringing this book. He hasn’t accomplished one full paragraph since he sat down. It’s no use trying to focus out here. There are too many eyes. He feels like he is on display, even though no one is looking. He feels exposed and uncomfortable. ‘What is he reading?‘ They’re probably wondering. ‘Why is he out here? Why isn’t he in a cell somewhere?’ He’s only out here because he can’t smoke in the dormitory, but he needs a smoke. He doesn’t want to be out here. He doesn’t want to be seen. He doesn’t want to be talked about. And if it weren’t for Zacke, he would be in a cell.

Anyway, he just needs a cigarette.

‘Posed as a Trabian SeeD… ?’

So they are talking about him. One, at least. He managed to hear that snippet while specifically trying not to. Great. He stands suddenly and flips the heavy book shut. He’s still got half his cigarette left, but this is not worth it. Smoke rushes from his lips as he takes it and jams it into the hard metal surface of the table, before grabbing up his book and turning back toward the main floor entrance.

[Reese]

pull me out from inside

Smack.

He almost feels numb. The people around him become a blur. It’s as if all of his senses are somehow muffled, programmed to block things out and help him reach one single goal -- the dormitory. In this moment, it’s all he cares about. He just wants a place to go, and it is his only ‘place’ right now. He wants out of this ballroom; he wants away from every human being alive, and most of them all, her. He wants to be alone.

He loved her.

More importantly, he trusted her.

His stride is forceful, quick, and full of purpose. If anyone stares, he doesn’t notice. His breathing is tight and yet somehow ragged, and he feels like he’s hanging onto the side of a cliff. ‘Don’t slip,’ He tells himself, his jaw and fists clenching as he shoulders his way through the cluster of people at the ballroom exit. ‘Don’t slip.’ His pace picks up in the abandoned corridors. The path to Zacke’s dormitory is a long but mostly deserted one. It doesn’t take him long to reach his destination.

He flips the light on, closes the door behind him, and unintentionally stumbles back into it loudly. He exhales the tight breath he hasn’t yet realized he’s been holding and stares at the floor with empty eyes. Suddenly, he’s weak. Suddenly…

The hat comes off; he pulls it off and drops it aside carelessly. His hands come to the sides of his head as he weakly slides down the surface of the door and collapses to a seat on the carpet. Suddenly, he begins to realize how utterly hollow he feels. The anger didn’t last long. It got him here, but he was running on fumes. Now it’s all fuel exhausted and engines dead. Before he has even had half a second to think about what has just happened to him, the physical effects of his emotional state hit him -- hard. It is corrosive, almost; the sudden emptiness in his chest feels like a vacuum within that sucks at him, eating him away. It’s painful. He literally feels it in his chest and stomach. He feels sick. His throat is on fire and his eyes blur to the point that he can’t see anything. He straightens his legs across the carpet in front of him and sits up straight against the door, swallowing against the aching burn.

Everything is such a whir, he almost feels delirious. He doesn’t understand…

Of course the rejection itself hurt. He didn‘t get the reaction he expected out of her, and it makes him feel understandably confused and hurt. But it’s not the whole reason he is now sitting on the floor in this raw state of emotional shock.

How… ?

[Reese]

I am ready, I am ready, I am ready…

He moves through the hallway, textbook in one arm and steely gaze straight ahead and unwavering.

By the scowl on his face and the smooth confidence in the way he moves, it would seem he’s approaching battle. Actually he’s just on his way to the dorm. But there’s nothing he would like more than to take his gunblade down to the training center and hack something into pieces. Unfortunately for him, he’s not allowed to do that. He’s not allowed to go into the training center. He’s not even in possession of his gunblade -- Leonhart has confiscated it. Along with his dignity, it seems. His scowl deepens at these thoughts as he comes to the dormitory door.

When he moves into the room, he drops the book down onto the bed and unintentionally kind of slams the door behind him

Leaving Fisherman’s Horizon, he really thought he was walking to his death. Technically he is alive now, but in a way, he did die that night. SeeD Amaerick is dead. No doubt about that. It doesn’t mean anything to him, of course. It was only an identity. But he’s never really paused to think about what it must have meant to her.

She said in the infirmary that she didn’t care about his past. That they’re ‘even.’ At the time he believed it, but not anymore. Now he doesn’t buy it at all. It was unbelievably stupid of him to buy it in the first place. ‘Oh, I don’t mind that you’ve turned out to be what I hate most in this world. It’s okay, I still view you the same.‘ What-the-fuck-ever. Of course his past matters to her, and of course it has changed her perspective of him. Stardust Infinity is many things, and it hasn’t taken him long to learn that judgmental is definitely one of them. His identity as Reese Amaerick was everything to her; in her eyes it shaped him. She used to look at him with acceptance, admiration… Sometimes, to him, it even felt like affection.

When he tries as hard as he can to picture her eyes at the Ball that night, he can’t remember seeing any of those things in her.

Lending her his jacket at the Bika Snowfields. Helping her out of harm’s way at the Coroniere laboratory. Standing up for her at April’s apartment. Carrying her out of the fire at Advelo. Gradually he’d become more and more willing to step right into that SeeD Amaerick role and play her hero. He had been willing to risk everything just to keep up the pointless game of pretend. He could have left her to die in that restaurant fire and no one would have known. It actually would have been a very clever move, but at the time the possibility didn’t even enter his mind. He didn’t want to let her die. His exaggerated charade had absolutely everything to do with her, and in the end, the only person he wound up trying to convince of his identity was himself.

[Reese]

I am…
taffy stuck, tongue-tied

“I’m going to Jun’s dorm.”

He glances over in the direction of Zacke and says nothing as the blonde gives a nonchalant hand-wave and steps out. He turns back to the mirror after the dormitory door is shut and adjusts his collar. Staring back at him is the reflection of himself, dressed all in the dark suit Zacke had been kind enough to rent for him. Accepting so much help didn’t sit well with him at first, but what options did he have? None. So he just has to be okay with it.

In any case, he has to look nice for this occasion.

Admiring the way the suit fits him, he decides that he actually does.

He takes a step closer to the mirror and focuses in on his face. He is still faintly bruised on the left side of his jaw, and his black eye hasn’t healed one-hundred percent; both reminders of his last encounter with Waverly and Mitch. He wishes he looked a little better in that respect, but oh well. It could be worse, right? He runs his fingers loosely through his hair and turns his head to the side.

There is actually little point in what he’s doing. His hair is a little short to be trying to ‘comb’ with his fingers. The suit looks fine. His face is as presentable as it’s going to get tonight. He’s really ready to go, he just doesn’t feel ready.

He’s stalling. He’s nervous.

What will she think of him? Is he trying too hard? Should he not have offered to be her date? Will it be weird for her? Will her SeeD peers think badly of her for choosing to maintain such a friendly relationship with him? No, he tells himself. It’s Stardust. Of course it won’t be weird, and she obviously doesn’t care what anyone thinks of us.

‘Us.’

Even in his thoughts, that word doesn’t sound altogether ‘right.’ Briefly, he wonders what she would think of the sound.

He grabs his hat and turns for the door. As he leaves the room behind him, he decides he likes the sound of it, ‘right’ or not.

[Reese]

stuttered, shook and uptight

He can’t think, he can’t move… He can hardly keep breathing through the painful vise on his throat.

Before he knew what he was doing, he was weeping. He’s still weeping. It’s been this way for a while, and he has no idea when or where he will find the strength to pull himself together and quit. He probably won’t. It will probably be like this until he is completely exhausted and passes out. He sits very still, with his hands folded together and an impassive face.

No frantic sobbing. Tears spill over the edges of his eyelids and roll freely down his face. He doesn’t try to blink or brush them away. In fact, he barely even feels them. He doesn’t care.

Ironically enough, this is quite possibly the most numb feeling moment of his life. He sits and struggles to breathe in a calm and controlled way, struggles not to choke or vomit. He is physically ill. This solitude has stripped him of his anger, leaving him with a gaping void; the now-vacant part of him he once allowed her to inhabit. He continues to impassively let the tears fall, and for once he feels no pang of shame in himself for it. For once, there is no room in him for self-judgment. He just. Doesn’t. Care.

[Reese]

pull me out from inside

Stardust was originally just loud and annoying. But she liked him. Genuinely. At first it kind of threw him, because it’s not as if he’s a very likable person. But once he got used to it, he kind of liked it. She started to behave differently around him than she did around the others. Better. And there was definitely some type of camaraderie between them from day one. He spent the following weeks trying to figure out what exactly that innate ‘camaraderie’ meant. He began to genuinely enjoy her company, too. He found that he was usually just ‘Reese’ with her, not SeeD Amaerick or Rank 5 Operative Vornecai. He opened himself to her in small ways, even though she probably didn‘t notice. He knew he was playing with fire, but he didn’t stop himself. She became the person who’s opinion mattered most to him, and then the person he wanted to protect, and then the person he would give up his honor, worth, and very life for…

When he saw that she could be vulnerable, it made him realize something: He could be vulnerable, too. If he could make peace with his past and change his present, he would be one step closer to the type of man he’s always wanted to be. In seeming to care, without even realizing it she had taught him that it is worth while to care.

Which is why it’s so painful to realize that she never did.

It was so real for him. Honest. It’s hard to imagine she felt nothing when he kissed her, but it’s reality, so what can he do? She didn’t feel a damn thing. It was probably one of the, if not the, most vulnerable moment of his life. It was the first time he really managed to let go of his insecurities and go for what he wanted. Of course he wasn’t sure how she would react, of course he was nervous… But he trusted her enough to take the risk. He trusted that she would be kind, that she wouldn’t hurt him.

It’s exactly what she did. She hit him.

Stardust struck him. Now, this… This didn’t just hurt him. It broke him. He didn’t want to believe it happened, but even now as he thinks back on it, he knows it’s become one of those lifetime moments he will never convince himself to forget about. The stinging impact of her palm is still fresh in his mind. She didn’t have to do it. It’s all he can think, ‘She didn’t have to… ’

He doesn’t know what he expected, but he knows it wasn’t this.

[Reese]

I am ready, I am ready, I am ready…

He sits down on the bed next to the textbook. “Representing Yourself: What You Can Do Without a Lawyer.” The title is kind of gimmicky. Laughable, really. But his whole situation is kind of humorous in an extremely depressing sort of way. For one thing, he’s carried this big stupid book around with him for the past couple of days, trying to absorb as much as he can as quickly as possible. He’s wearing some ridiculous grayish colored scrub-type outfit because even though he’s on ‘probation,’ he can’t set foot off of Balamb Garden, which, in addition to making no sense, also means he can’t purchase clothing. So he’s just got to be okay with wearing whatever crap Garden is willing to give him, and it happens to be pretty much a jumpsuit. On top of all this, he’s sharing a dorm room with Zacke, who is friends with everybody in the free fucking world and constantly has nosy people dropping by. Probably the only way he can make his criminal status any more apparent is if he straps a big neon sign to his torso that reads “EX-DOTNA SPY” or something.

So anyway, his mood sucks and as determined as he is to win his case, he’s sick of the fucking self-help book.

[Reese]

I am… fine

He lays back on the bed, and before long his thoughts turn in the direction they always seem to turn when he is idle…

Poster Boy for Evil?

The phrase is kind of stuck in his head. It’s probably another one of those things about his relationship with her that he will never forget. When she first said it, he somehow thought it was cute. It’s not cute. It’s stupid, and now it just makes him feel irritated and ridiculous. It was all she ever saw in him, and all along he’d managed to persuade himself into believing the exact opposite. ‘I feel like every time you look me in the eyes, you have me figured out.’ Isn’t that something like the moronic line he once spewed?

Whatever. She never had him figured out. She didn’t have to figure anything out, he did a pretty good job of spelling things out.

Now he lies here on a bed that isn’t his, in a room that isn’t his, wearing clothes that aren‘t his. He doesn’t even have his gunblade, and Jun is taking care of Perish because they wouldn‘t let him junction a Guardian. He is a prisoner of the people he wants to help -- Garden, and a traitor to the only people that were ever loyal to him -- DotNA. He literally gave up everything short of his life just to protect her. More than once he has admitted to himself that he would probably just be better off dead.

He still doesn’t understand how he could have been so incredibly stupid.

[Reese]

I am covered in skin…

His throat is sore and his eyes are bloodshot, eyelids swollen. He kicks back another mouthful of straight vodka from the clear bottle in his hand. He’s moved from sitting in front of the door to sitting on the couch. The same impassive look is on his face, but the tears stopped coming a while ago. His stare is blank and focused on nothing specific. Zacke hasn’t come in. Must be at an after party or something. Not that he’s worried about Zacke walking in with him like this. It’s really not a concern. At this point, he doesn’t really have any concerns.

Remembering his last moments with her at the FH hotel is the only way he can bring himself to feel any fondness for her now, and it isn’t even really for her. It’s for the girl he honestly thought he knew. It’s for the Stardust who smiles and pokes his cheek and calls him “serious.” It’s for the Stardust who allows him to embrace her. The Stardust who looks at him and sees someone great. The Stardust with whom he shares unspoken alliance. The Stardust who takes him to the place within himself where he feels vulnerable, who reminds him of his humanity.

Thinking of that Stardust is what makes him sad. Which is the whole point of the drink right now -- to make him not.

He’d rather sit and brood than sit and cry. He’d rather be angry with her for how things have changed and the girl she’s turned out to be. For betraying him. Because that’s what she did, right? He takes another drink. She didn’t just reject his feelings, she attacked them. Publicly. She betrayed his trust. She made a fool of him, and she did it in such an unnecessarily hurtful way. He can’t wrap his mind around it well enough to even try to justify her actions. She flipped the fuck out on him. The only way he can make any sense of it is to just assume the girl he thought she was is not the girl she actually is.

He didn’t deserve it. Maybe he has lied to her, and maybe he is a bad person… But he has never attacked her for the way she felt. He has never taken such a low blow, and he never would have.

[Reese]

no one gets to come in

For a long time he blamed himself for the bad quality of his mother’s life. It’s why he stayed with her for so long; he couldn’t bring himself to ‘abandon’ her. Gradually, though, he grew into a man and accepted the fact that she chose it. That only she could help herself. So he left.

He also initially blamed himself for the falling out between he and Waverly. Of course he now realizes that Waverly is just a cruel woman… But there was a time when he actually felt that the reason they didn’t work out was him. He wasn’t strong enough. Smart enough. He wasn’t ‘good enough’ for her, and ‘they both knew it.’ She made an insecure headcase of him. She toyed around with him and his feelings just like she toys around with a lot of people.

Of milestone failures in his life, maybe he now has another for the list?

He will not blame himself for this. If he does, he won’t be able to let go of his feelings for her, and it will make him right back into the exact version of himself he is disgusted by. The weak Reese. The one who throws his life away simply because he’s too much of a coward to face it. So… This is not his fault. This is the work of Stardust and Stardust alone, and he will hold her accountable for the anger and grief she has caused him.

He can’t forgive her. He can’t forgive anyone. If he wants his freedom and dignity, the only person for whom he can afford forgiveness and care is himself.

[Reese]

pull me out from inside

‘Genuine friends,’ she called it.

It’s actually pretty ironic. Pre-coma, she never labeled their relationship like that. He knew she considered herself his friend just in the way she treated him, and he assumed she thought the same. He felt like their little bond was just understood. They didn’t talk about it too much or shake hands and shit. They didn’t have to.

Almost from the moment he opened his eyes, he picked up on a strange vibe or inconsistency in the way she carried herself with him. He didn’t want to notice it, though. So he ignored it. Now, of course, he realizes how naïve and stupid that was. He should have taken better notice. He should have called her on it and made her sit down and really talk to him -- because she never really did. She brushed him off. ‘Oh, well since you saved me at Advelo, we’re even.’ Behind the blindfold of his affection for her, everything she said used to sound simplistically cute. In retrospect, with the blindfold gone and all his unbridled resentment channeled with his memories of her, a lot of the things she’s said to him just sound incredibly dumb. ‘You saved me at Advelo, we’re even now.’ Like that. Obviously not the whole truth. He bought it. He ate it right up.

Anyway, maybe ‘genuine friends’ was simply bad acting on her part. Or maybe it was just her way of coping with the situation, maybe she was trying to convince herself that she could still be friends with him. Whatever the case, the idea of it is ridiculous, and he doesn’t know how she got away with it without totally annoying him.

Which proves the ‘affection blindfold’ theory, apparently.

[Reese]

I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding…

He drops the empty bottle onto the floor and moves from a sitting position to laying on the couch. The gradually building emotional numb has been somewhat nice. He stares up at the ceiling, and for once during the past several hours, his mind and heart are actually simultaneously in a place of relative peace.

It has a lot to do with the alcohol, of course.

His mind is drifting, still sifting through memories of her. Even with a heavy dose of vodka, he’s not going to get her off his mind completely. He probably won’t be able to stop thinking about her and this whole goddamn situation until he passes out.

The memory that hooks more than a few seconds of his interest is his last truly pleasant moment with her. He blinks up at the ceiling and imagines himself in that place again. It was Fisherman’s Horizon, after they had followed the railroad tracks back into town. He walked her to her hotel room door and worked up the nerve to embrace her. It was the only time, other than Advelo. But Advelo was different. Advelo was protective and somewhat unintentional. Advelo was rushed.

Fisherman’s Horizon… It was the only time he could recall intentionally trying to show her affection. When he wrapped his arms around her it was a gesture of love, and thinking back on it now, he is almost certain he can remember her returning that gesture at the time; although that bottle of liquor could very well be affecting the accuracy of his memory right now. In any case, he thought he might find uncertainty in her eyes when he pulled away, but he only saw warmth.

That’s the Stardust he fell in love with, he decides. He can’t remember exactly what she was wearing or the way her hair happened to fall, but he can picture her eyes perfectly. It’s probably the kind of memory you don’t forget. The good kind. He hopes so, because he doesn’t expect to ever see that warmth again.

[Reese]

I am… colorblind

“So umm, I talked to Leonhart and it‘s cool with him if you continue to stay in this room while I‘m gone.”

He sits on the bed and watches Zacke shove clothing into a duffel bag. “Okay.”

“Leonhart says we can take up to a year off if we want ‘cause we‘re heroes and stuff, but c’mon, a year? I’m just going to take a few weeks. I’ll be back before your trial and stuff.”

Still watching Zacke, he takes a swig from the flask in his hand and swallows. “Okay.”

Zacke yanks the zipper shut and stands, then lifts the bag and turns to face him. “Uhh… Don’t mess with my shit. And don’t try to be sneaky with your smokes by standing on my desk chair and blowing into the ceiling vent. It doesn‘t work, dude. I can still smell the smoke. Okay? Take care, yadda yadda... Late.”

He stares blankly as Zacke tosses the cardkey down into his hands and leaves the room.