Zacke Is Dumb

[Lex]

Okay, this takes place on the same day as "A Partner for the Ball." It is now evening, and Zacke has changed out of his burned pants and into a decent pair. He has also apparently worked up some nerve as well, 'cause he's about to go try to talk to Pol. Again. *shakes head grimly*

Bun, if you don't wanna reply to this, just don't. ^_^ Zacke can get shot down, I don't even curr!

Zacke: ;_;

---

Zacke pushed his hands into his pockets, pacing down the girls' hall and mentally reciting her dorm room number as if it were a mantra. It hadn't been that hard for him to find out what it was, given that he and Polaris had worked on the mission together. Well, back then she'd been 'Tomoe.' But it made no difference. The little cadet admin at the desk was eager to supply him with the information he desired, happy just to share a conversation with him. The newfound admiration and respect was odd to him, but not unwelcome.

He watched the numbers grow with each door he passed, and found that his anxiety over this whole thing was growing as well. What the hell was he going to say to her if and when she answered her door? 'I'm sorry?' Sorry for what? 'Are you okay?' Of course she was okay. What did he want from her? What did he expect? He didn't even know.

Hyne, he felt like a fool.

He spotted her number, and stopped. Okay. He took a step toward it, his pace now much slower than it had been just a second ago. What are you going to say? he asked himself as he approached the door. Good evening? Stupid.

He sighed through his nose, looking downward. Hyne... Despite all his inhibitions, he couldn't make himself stop caring about this. He didn't want to ever be the reason she was upset. There was no excuse for upsetting her, he told himself. He raised his gaze back up to the door in front of him, and knocked on it a few times.

Please answer...

Tomoe--Polaris--he didn't care what her name was. She was the same girl, right?

That's what he told himself.

[Polaris Lyn]

The knock came abruptly, and she almost dropped her photo album, the polished silver cover ostentatious and pretentious and gleaming. She set it aside—open to pictures of a school graduation—and uncurled herself from her little perch on her bed, amidst warm covers and down pillows. She ambled, barefoot, over to the door, the steel awkward with the decoration of her room, all clean lines and polished wood. It slid open silently.

Her surprise was just as silent: a slight widening of amber eyes, and that was all. He looked apprehensive. “Hi,” she said, and her tone was not unkind.

It wasn’t anything at all.

[Zacke]

"Hi,"

She stared up at him, and he could see in her eyes that she didn't expect him to come. Her tone was not unwelcoming, and it put him at ease a little.

He half-smiled. "Hey," he replied quietly. I guess I don't need to ask if she's okay. She was obviously okay. He felt kind of silly, actually. He had been really worried. But of course she would be okay; why not? He averted his gaze, looking downward. "I don't want to be annoying or anything, but I guess I've been kinda worried about you... since earlier."

He looked back at her. "Umm," He cleared his throat. "You seem okay though. That's... good." Shit, dude, stop rambling. "Are you busy? I mean, don't let me disrupt anything--I just came to see you."

Hyne, why did he feel so awkward? It was a very unfamiliar feeling for him.

Relax. he told himself.

[Polaris Lyn]

Polaris blinked, a bit taken aback. “I’m not busy,” she said, shaking her head, and remembered her manners. She stepped aside, gesturing. “Do you—do you want to come in?” She dropped her hands and looked down at the floor, wondering about things. She had not expected him at all. He was very surprising—she looked up at him through her bangs and said quietly, “I wasn’t expecting yo—anyone to come by.” People didn’t often do that, not at all.

Zacke was very strange.

[Zacke]

Zacke nodded, slipping past her stepping into the room when she invited him in. Very clean and tidy, he noted. A faint but sweet woody sort of smell hung in the air. An open laptop sat on the desk, a pleasant classical tune filtering through its speakers. It was... nice.

“I wasn’t expecting yo—anyone to come by.”

He looked over his shoulder as she closed the door. "Err, yeah... I guess I could have called before I came. Sorry... "

He removed his jacket and glanced around the room once more, looking for a place to sit. He didn't spot any vacancies immediately. Feeling too uncomfortable about sitting on her bed, he folded his jacket over one arm and settled on leaning against a tall dresser.

"I feel pretty stupid about what I did." he said quietly, watching her. His nerves weren't completely settled yet, but he was starting to calm down. "I know it's not my place to try to look out for you."

---

I know I took a liberty with the music playing. But I know she has a laptop and I know she likes classical music (from her bio.) If you have any problems with what I've written just let me know and I'll edit immediately!

[Polaris Lyn]

“I know it’s not my place to try to look out for you.”

Was that ever the understatement of the year. Polaris let the door slide shut behind her and she fidgeted before sitting down on her bed, feeling awkward just standing around in her own room. Zacke had the perfect right to be awkward; he didn’t belong around here, after all. She took her time to settle down, trying to think up of a reply that didn’t sound accusing or caustic. He was—to be very technical—not at fault at all.

“It’s not,” she agreed in the end, nodding. No point trying to be sweet about facts. She paused, and tried to properly say what was on her mind. “But it was justif—understandable.” Her words were hesitant and halting; she didn’t want to be offensive. Zacke didn’t deserve screaming—he’d get that enough from Blaze and Stardust, but he certainly would get it from her.

“It was very kind, what you did,” she said carefully. She skirted around the precise reason why he did what he did—she didn’t think she could properly handle the whole concept of him caring and what it could mean. “You had good intentions.” She was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince him; he had done what he probably thought was right, and she had reacted in her way. There was no way to pinpoint blame on it, and besides, it wasn’t like any of it mattered. Now.

“Are you here to apologize,” she said bluntly, and it wasn’t really a question.

[Zacke]

Her words were hesitantly and haltingly spoken, but Zacke remained mute and listened patiently the entire time, his gaze never leaving her. She didn't seem to be mad, but she didn't seem like she really cared to have him around, either. She was very calm, but also distant. Maybe I shouldn't have come... Almost instantly, he berated himself for the thought. He had come with the expectation that this interaction would probably make him feel like crap all over again. And now that he was here, and it was, he thought about leaving? No. She had let him inside. He could at least man-up and endure the feeling long enough to...

“Are you here to apologize,” she said it almost as if it were a statement.

He looked at the ground. "I guess so."

A few moments of silence passed as he struggled to find the words for what he wanted to express. Finally, he sighed and ran his fingers over his hair, more a nervous habit than an act of vanity. "I know I overstepped a major boundary." he lifted his gaze, meeting hers. "At the time, I guess I was too selfish to care. And I know that's something I need to work on."

He shook his head slightly, staring at the ground. "You're right, my intentions were good. But it wasn't kind. It was disrespectful."

[Polaris Lyn]

Polaris sighed silently and shrugged slender shoulders, glancing at the floor before she looked at Zacke again. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” she said simply, and the truth was very difficult to own up to. “I forgive you.” That was difficult to say, too, only because she’d never had to forgive anyone before. Soldiers didn’t really apologize—but it was Zacke, so she could understand that.

She looked at him curiously. “I don’t understand you,” she commented lightly. Zacke didn’t act like a SeeD at all. Sure he knew the decorum and had the training…but he didn’t act like a SeeD at all. He seemed very normal, very civilian…and she was thinking too much again, so she stopped. “Thank you for coming to apologize,” she said immediately after. “Most people don’t do that.” They were too jaded for apologies; it was all empty words anyway.

[Zacke]

Zacke's gaze lifted when she forgave him. It wasn't exactly one of those clouds-parting-and-angels-singing moments, but he definitely felt a little better about what he did, and more comfortable about standing here in front of her having to face her after the fact.

He smirked a little when she said she didn't understand him. How ironic was that? He felt almost childlike around her. She seemed to glide her way through life with grace and dignity, whereas he felt like he was stumbling around a step behind, constantly trying to gain his footing. He was something less, an inferior creature running on emotions and impulses and behaving with a general lack of concern. And considering that, he was actually a very simple creature. How could someone like her be confused by a guy like him?

"I came to apologize because I knew it wouldn't be right not to." Zacke shrugged. "That's just how I am. I guess I still have that little-kid mentality about my relationships with people." He shook his head, smiling in sort of an embarrassed way and staring at the ground.

After a few more moments of silence, he slid down the front of the dresser and seated himself on the floor, sitting with his legs bent at the knees before him, his arms still crossed over his folded jacket. He did it without thought. It never entered his mind that she might not want him to sit here in her floor and invite himself over for a few more minutes. He wouldn't mind if someone did that to him, so why should she? Zacke was rudimentary when it came to the subtleties.

"So, Polaris..." He said the name quietly, thoughtfully. He looked up at her. "That's not a name I've ever heard before." He grinned. "Where did that come from?"

[Polaris Lyn]

She watched him sit down on the floor and shifted accordingly, posture relaxing and legs folding beneath her. He changed the subject, none too subtly, and she started, but he grinned at her and she decided that maybe this version of her could be better friends with him than the last one. “It’s part of a constellation. It’s the star at the tip of constellation Valhalla.” She glanced over to the open photo album beside her. “That’s the biggest constellation you can see from Esthar.” She wasn’t much for astronomy, but she knew enough.

Gently, she nudged the photo album closed. “When I came back to the team,” she said carefully, “you were gone.” She didn’t ask the question after that, but she looked at him curiously. Knowing other people through conversation wasn’t exactly her greatest skill, but Zacke looked like he wanted to stay a bit longer, and talking to him was a better option than being a nostalgic fool.

[Zacke]

Valhalla... He didn't know anything about constellations, but Valhalla sounded familiar. Something out of one of his history classes, something to do with warriors... Hmm, so 'Polaris' was a star. Kinda random. Kinda pretty. He still liked Tomoe, but he decided he liked Polaris well enough, too.

“When I came back to the team,” he looked at her “you were gone.”

He hesitated for a moment, before nodding a bit. "Yeah," He cleared his throat. "When we returned from Fisherman's Horizon with the Shumi scroll, they temporarily suspended my duty." He paused for a moment. It was still sort of a touchy subject.

"My little sister died." He looked away. "And I'm the only living family left, so... it was important that I be there."

He cleared his throat again, fitting a firm smile into place and looking back at her. "I guess I came back just in time for the finale, though." He laughed. It was a halfway faked laugh, but oh well. If he wasn't going to make light of things and laugh, what kind of mood was he left with? Not a mood anyone wanted to be around, not even himself. He brushed it off.

"Anyway, I'm going to be really nosy now and ask what's in that photo album." It was a means of changing subject. He smirked. "So Polaris, what's in that photo album?"

[Polaris Lyn]

“Oh.” Well if that wasn’t just the most painful thing he’d ever said, it was surely up there in the top three. Polaris was struck dumb for a moment, speechlessly and rather impolitely staring until he laughed. She blinked and shook herself free from the bewilderment, just in time for him to change the subject yet again. It was difficult, she realized, to be shallow with someone she wanted to know. But she wouldn’t pry, even though his laugh didn’t meet his eyes. She wanted to apologize, but an apology meant that she knew that he hurt.

And she wasn’t sure he wanted that right now. She did not pry.

“So Polaris, what’s in that photo album?” Polaris made a soft sound of surprise and her fingertips touched cool silver. It was a very heavy, rich-looking book.

“It’s…old pictures,” she commented, in a light voice. Were they sharing hurts, sharing losses? She wasn’t sure what to think—she didn’t know exactly where to go in this sort of conversation. “When I was a child.” When I was Tomoe. Those words went unspoken—she was going to move on from that, because there was no point wanting to go back. Polaris could not be Tomoe. Polaris could be herself. She realized she didn’t mind being free from the familial shackles—it was a saddening thought, a liberating thought. Polaris did what Tomoe couldn’t, and that meant Tomoe was done.

She opened the book again, turning the pages until she found one that didn’t have terribly embarrassing pictures of her in it. She stood it up on her lap, pointed to one of her playing piano as a teenager. “I was a very spoiled sort of girl,” she said with a slight hint of ruefulness. “Dresses and tea parties and everything.” She laughed softly—partly an act of nonchalance, partly at the memory. “It was pretty boring.”

[Zacke]

“I was a very spoiled sort of girl,”

Zacke moved forward, pushing himself to his knees and then sitting on his heels. He knelt before her like this, peering at the open album propped up in her lap. She was sitting at a grand piano in the picture, looking to be around fourteen or fifteen. Her face was a perfect mask of serene concentration. It made him smile. It had matured--her face--but the look hadn't changed all that much. “Dresses and tea parties and everything.” His gaze flicked to her face when she laughed, and his smile grew. “It was pretty boring.”

"Yeah right," he teased. "Dresses and tea parties? I'm jealous of you. What I wouldn't give... " he trailed off in a wistfully dramatic way, before letting out a laugh and shaking his head.

He looked back up at her, his smile fading. "So... what happened to Tomoe?"

[Polaris Lyn]

“You wouldn’t have liked it if you had the classes. I had to hold apples every day to get my hands used to everything. Fingers were light on the keys and…” she shook her head, amused at herself. “It was like musical boot camp.” And the dresses were terribly itchy, she wanted to add, but Zacke would never ever wear a dress, so she didn’t think that was a point she wanted to make.

“Tomoe died.” Saying it out loud was easier than she thought. “She was sent on an information-retrieval mission in the outskirts of Deling City and—she died.” The fabricated story was airtight as far as she knew. “It was very sudden. No one expected it.” She cleared her throat lightly, a bit fidgety at talking about her own death—technically. “Everything’s been taken care of, nobody can trace me to her.” That sounded incredibly awkward. “I sound schizophrenic,” she told him, “don’t I?”

[Zacke]

Zacke's eyebrows lifted slightly. Whoa. He stared and listened, but he was having a bit of a time following things like 'no one expected it' and 'everything's been taken care of.' He thought that maybe 'Polaris' was temporary and Tomoe could come back. He just assumed, actually. Foolishly. If Tomoe was legally dead...

Her life is gone.

“I sound schizophrenic, don’t I?”

For a moment, he had very little reaction. He actually had no idea how he should react. Of course it was only a moment, and then he defaulted to the typical Zacke way of handling things. Without concern and worry, without consideration. Just honesty--pure and simple, whether good or bad. Honest.

"Kinda." He smirked a little. "You know why, though? 'Cause Tomoe's not dead. She's still in there." He poked her chest. "You can die on paper, but you can't kill part of your heart--your life--you know?" He dropped his hand into his lap and looked up at her.

"Anyway, I think I'll always see a bit of her when I look at you." He smiled ruefully and looked downward.